I once read this quote that said "You would die for your children, but would you heal for them?" The truth is I allowed myself to become so unwell. Physically and mentally. I didn't recognize myself anymore when I looked in the mirror. I would cry so hard at night my face would be so puffy in the morning. I'd take a shower, throw makeup on and just try to make it through another day. I had little joy and I was so angry. So angry, so heartbroken. Why my baby? But why any child?
I remember evaluation after evaluation. I was SO heartbroken. My baby stopped developing. Things were SO hard for her. I sat and watched her struggle and struggle and I had absolutely no clue what I was doing. Every evaluation apt I left, I felt so discouraged. They don't give you much help for a child experiencing significant delays other than putting them in therapy and saying "it can hopefully better their quality of life."
The best decision I ever made was to stop feeling sorry for myself. Were some days hard ? YES. Was I still mad at times? YES. But my kids deserved a mother who was going to fight and advocate for them. That mindset shift was what I needed to keep propelling forward, even on the days when I wasn't even sure how I was making it out of bed. Finding resources that my daughter needed to support her development made me feel so empowered. The more I helped her, the more I advocated for her, the stronger I became.
I stopped the therapies that didn't sit right with me. I stopped listening to the people that put limits on my daughter. I started listening to those that didn't just point out the obvious symptoms that were happening, but instead listened to me, I mean really listened and dove deeper. Gave me answers other than "Well this just sometimes happens." I kept the people that supported me and my daughter so close in my circle. I began learning everything about a child's development. I read books, I educated myself, talked with other moms who were either currently in similar shoes or had been in similar shoes. I learned about diet, nutrition, brain based therapies, you name it, I studied it. I wanted to be as knowledgable as I possibly could for my daughter. Knowledge is power. And in my case, it led to ways of me helping my daughters development begin to slowly progress. What was once a heart full of sadness, turned into a heart full of hope and I've clung on to that hope since. My heart has healed so much during this journey and I can honestly say I am so proud of the mother I am today.
I never thought my journey into motherhood would have lead me here, but I am thankful it did. I learned to be an advocate, to stand my ground for both of my kids. It's been long, hard, tiring, and rewarding. Every small victory we celebrate and I just can't wait to keep going.
I want to make an impact not just in my daughters life but in the lives of other children and parents. It has been the loneliest and darkest road I've been on and if I could shine light onto someone else's journey and be the friend I so wish I had when I started, my heart would be so full and it would be such an honor.