At around 17 moths old it seemed as if my daughters development got stuck. She was no longer progressing like she once was. I was told countless of times not to worry and every child develops at their own pace. Everything was fine until it wasn't. The older she got, the more she struggled. The more she fell behind. I didn’t understand and I just wanted to believe every single professional who told me to just “wait and see.” I think deep down I knew she needed additional support. As her mother, I quickly felt as if I failed her. Why would she need therapies? My thoughts were constant, they were consuming me… “If you were a better mom she would not be delayed.” “This is your fault.”
I fell into this very deep hole of depression. I’d cry myself to sleep every single night for months. I begged God to make all the things that seemingly came natural to other kids come easier for my baby. I went through so many emotions during this time. I felt like God abandoned me. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I got so good at hiding my feelings it was as if most people didn’t even know what I was going through.
I was completely lost, afraid, angry, and heart broken.
We began all recommended therapies and they became all consuming. Every therapist we saw had a different idea, approach, and opinion. I doubted myself so much during this time. I got myself to believe that because I didn’t have credentials by my name that I didn’t know what was best for my daughter. I listened to every therapist even when I didn’t necessarily think they were right, I listened, because I just wanted to support my daughter. She wasn’t progressing in these therapies and the approaches didn’t always make sense in my mind. I stuck with these therapies for almost two years. I then began looking way deeper into things and decided I was going to trust my own gut. We began seeing a Dr. a couple hours from home that will always hold such a special place in my heart. I also found an occupational therapy practice who’s approaches just made sense. The level of care these places gave to my daughter was unmatched and the kindness did not go unnoticed. Everyone was so informative and their approaches all aligned with one another. I found a therapy team that saw so much potential in my daughter instead of setting limits to what she’s capable of. Within a couple months, she began very slowly making progress.
We have a journey ahead of us, but we have so much hope and we always will keep faith. I am a better person because of my Paisley girl. I am kinder, I am more patient, I am more understanding, I am who I was always meant to be…..her mom.
Stepping away from the only therapies insurance would cover has been hard. Financially and emotionally its been hard, if I'm being honest. I wanted to best support my daughter more than anything in this world and the support that was offered was not what she needed. I didn't realize that for a long time. I've educated myself so much during this process and am now confident in all the decisions I make for Paisley. I found the therapists that were helping her progress, I even had referrals why some of our choices were necessary but constantly we were denied by insurance. It’s a large financial burden to pay for everything out of pocket. We have a support system. For that, I am forever grateful. My heart aches for those who don’t. My heart aches for the mother that’s lost and defeated. For the mother who doubts that she is capable of helping her child. My tears turned into motivation when I saw what the proper support can do for a child. I do not want another mother or any parent to ever feel the way I have over these past couple years. It's been the hardest journey but through it all, I found so much purpose in my deepest pain. I never thought my life would end up here, but it did and I'm thankful for every hard day that has made me the mother and woman I am today.